i want a relationship but i want them to be like a friend to me, i dont want the relationship to be all about kissing, making out and sex i just wanna hang out with them, and go places, and just have fun wherever we go
Sometimes I want a boyfriend and sometimes I want to be single forever. Why i can’t understand myself for the lord of fuck
This may sound weird, but I can literally feel my heart breaking. It feels like my chest is being pried open. Real pain, not me just exaggerating.
It doesn’t make sense because it is my fault we are no longer together and yet I feel this horrible pain. Maybe that is due to the “break” you said we needed before the break up. I never wanted things to end for us. I am sorry for my idiotic actions. I am sorry for my stupidity of mind. I am sorry I am so sick and broken and fucked up. I wish I could be “that girl” for you but, I guess I deserve the pain.
Sigh… So I woke up around 1:30 with you on my mind. Reminiscing on days past. The good times; the cute little memories. Thinking of things that I hadn’t remembered or thought about in a while. I cherish those memories in my head.
Things like making snow angels on my deck because the snow didn’t stick on my lawn. I remember how bitterly cold it was but you still went along with my crazy antics laughing along with me.
Do you remember our first date and how awkward it felt? But despite the awkwardness of a sort of a blind date, it felt that I had known you those eight years that we hadn’t seen each other. The last time you had seen me I was 9 or 10, you 13 or 14. Back then it was such a age gap. Four years doesn’t make that much of a difference now. I could tell you were different from the scum I had been associating myself with. You were genuinely kind and had no alternative motives. The first guy in a long time that didn’t just want to get in my pants.
I felt so comfortable around you, sure awkward at first, but all relationships start out awkward. You always listened to me, put up with me ranting about my ex. I am sorry I annoyed you so much. I was still healing when we started dating, and when the court crap came up it opened up that wound with a vengeance. You were there for me when I was so scared. I had messed up, but you saw past that. You decided to look past all of the crap in my past and give me a clean slate. You gave me much more that my worthless ass deserved. You treated me so well. Like a princess. I felt so loved by you.
Weekends were always interesting. I was so excited when it came around. Always wondering if you were going to be busy, if we were going to get to see each other. Always in hopes that you weren’t going to be to busy to come down and see me or if I could get the car, come up there.
Mr. Responsible. That’s a sort of nickname I have for you. It is a good thing but it could be a bad thing as well. It was good because you are a hard worker and always kept your word. It is what makes you a good Team Lead at work. People can see that and pick up on it, sometimes subconsciously. People are drawn to you.
You always think of others before yourself. This was a good thing and a bad thing. Good because well, that is just a good trait to have, but the bad was you wouldn’t let yourself be helped. You could just fix and figure stuff out for yourself, but that is not how humans work. We need interaction. We need help sometimes. We can’t do everything by ourselves or we would explode.
I don’t understand why you always thought that you were so horrible and that I deserved better than you. How wrong you were. You are such an amazing man, you don’t see it because you hadn’t met up to religious requirements and you weren’t perfect. You always had to be perfect. NO ONE IS PERFECT! We mess up. You can’t hold yourself so high all the time. It is ok to make mistakes. You learn from mistakes. Sure they suck, but they have to happen. But seriously, religion aside, politics aside, compared to men around the world you already stand high above others. I have never met anyone like you, and I fear I might not.
Now for a something that is still a good thing but is a touchy subject seeing as it apparently lead to you being called my “Sugar Daddy”. Ok here we go. By saying that I knew you would always be able to take care of me and I wouldn’t have to worry about my life I wasn’t being a selfish bitch. What I meant was that I wouldn’t have to worry about the lives of our children The children we would inevitably have been born seeing as you were considering marriage pretty seriously.
So as it was apparent you wanted to get married, just bear with me for a second and don’t shy off about the child subject. I wasn’t always just “living in the moment” as it seems. I do think things out occasionally. Amazing right? Even at the very beginning of our relationship I was looking toward the possible future of us.
I knew that you would be able to keep a job. And even if you didn’t, you are so brilliant and talented that your skills would find you another job no problem. I knew that you are genuinely loving and caring to children. I experienced it first hand on several occasions. I don’t ever want to worry that my children might experience the things I had to as a child, or the things my sisters are going through right now. And I knew that with you, I wouldn’t have to worry about that.
While we are on the subject of jobs, lets move along! While being responsible is a good thing, to much of a good thing can be a bad thing, deadly even. I know we already talked about this but I don’t think it can be overstated, or maybe I am beating the horse…. Meh, my blog, my rant. Anyways, TIME!!!!! I can’t say it enough time time time time Time Time TIME TIME TIIIIIMMMEEE!!!!!
I know you are busy, I know you have a lot of obligations and responsibilities, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard even though I knew all those things. Sometimes you would go out of your way to be with me (I think), but I would drop anything for you, I did to. If I had a family thing that I knew was going to happen, I would let you know and invite you. Always. But sometimes I would go on facebook and see that you and your family had done this they had done that. Oh or the other thing, when we were texting and you said you had family stuff I would just wait for you to invite me to come, but you never did. Yes sometimes you did. But not often. That’s what it feels like to me anyways…
Did I embarrass you? Did you really not care if our one day a week happened or not? Even if you were just doing mundane things like laundry or cleaning, hell, even homework, I wanted to be there. We did do homework once, and you got so much done even though you thought that I would just distract you. I absolutely loved that! You have no idea. Just to sit with you, just being near you was wonderful.
I wanted to experience these things with you. I would have bee happy just helping you do chores the whole day. I didn’t care if we didn’t do something “fun” every time we were together. I was already your girlfriend, you didn’t need to impress me anymore than you already had. I am not saying I didn’t appreciate all the fun things we did, they were amazing! But it didn’t really matter what we did, just that we were together.
Not seeing you often was hard. I need people. Yes I say that I hate people and don’t like dealing with the public or whatever, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need people there for me. I don’t do well on my own. Whether I be with friends or family or you, it just needed to be someone. Someone to talk to. Someone to share experiences with. To laugh and be silly or serious sometimes. heck even to just sit on separate computers sitting next to each other would have done the trick.
You saw what happened when I wasn’t around people. I go into deep deep depressions. When I am like that I can’t reach out. I know it sounds dumb or whatever but I couldn’t do anything. You were all I had at that time. You gave me something to be excited for. You were the person to help me escape depression’s greedy hands. You did that. You helped me. You you you.
But you you you couldn’t always be there when I needed you. So many nights I needed you to comfort me. I expressed this the best I could. And I KNOW you had work in the morning, and school after work and then homework and all these things, but it seemed like there was no room for me. No efforts made for me. Me, a living breathing person who loves you.
Because of this loneliness I turned to the only other person who would listen. I knew he was lonely as well, and he was my friend still. I only ever went over there as a friend, but for some reason I always left a whore. The booty call. The stupid idiot who ruined it all. I hate myself so much but, I am starting to forgive myself a little. Some days are bad some are good.
So onto the thing that sparked this rant. From what I can tell you are with someone new. It really surprised me how quickly you found someone else. We never really talked it, dating other people. And it came as quite a shock. Such a shock that I cried for 2 hours straight, and made myself sick (which I am still experiencing).
I am mainly just confused at this point. Yes I did all my happy little stalking, I am not going to lie about that and you became friends with her the 12th or 14th. Wow that was fast! Basically a week later or so? I am just confused why you didn’t say anything at all. Why you didn’t have the courtesy to be like hey I met this girl, I do not know. Maybe I understand why you wouldn’t, well, in all honesty it makes perfect sense. But what doesn’t make sense is why you bothered texting me. Leading me on in a sense. Why did you bother occasionally express that you missed me. I felt like maybe there was some hope. We last talked when you were on your flight or whatever. That next Saturday I texted you but got no reply. I thought nothing of it then but now I know why…
Currently I see this two ways. One that I am sad and two I am happy. I am sad because it feels like that sliver of a hope that we might get back together someday is gone. Sure getting back together wouldn’t magically make everything fine. But at least I had the hope of taking baby steps toward something more than friends, but now it feels like finding this out has made me stumble backwards. I am happy for you because it is good for you to date again I guess, but just the whole so soon thing throws me off. But it shows improvement and healing which is good.
I have been making changes little by little. And it is the biggest thing to happened in six years. SIX YEARS of always feeling like shit and like I had no hope. In the event of our break up you sparked something in me. I knew I had to change. I had to stop being so stupid and selfish. A few weeks ago my dad and I were together and I was crying because I was happy. I hadn’t felt that amount of genuine joy without doing something to make myself happy. I was just existing and I was happy. I don’t think I have ever felt that in my life to tell you the truth. It was so overpowering I burst into tears. That was an amazing feeling. I strive for that again. It will take time to get that high to happen again, and I know that it can happen again and will.
So hear is my rant. It is long and rantful. If you made it to the end of this my dear followers, wow! Gold star for you! I feel a little better now that I have written this grandiose adventure that is my life down.
Peace and Love,
(OMG I just wrote a three and a half page rant… SORRY PEOPLE)